My Mind my Body My Choice.... Say"NO"to DRUGS!

I dont know

2005-05-01T23:47:05Z

I dont know what to do.........ahhhh i want soo much and i know that i cant and wont get what i want with this!!! I want too much...im sry...it's just me
I die to find the things i want .....i cant wait but i dont know what to do to get what i want....i mean i know what i have to do but i dont know if i can do it or know how to do it! I so nervous and scared im shaking as i write...i need a hug...and a perfect life...i want it all to go the way i want it to go.

I dont know how to do this.......i cant do it..its has to happen...right?? I dont know if it will help it might only hurt..... oh boy this is tearing me apart...i need help...oh boy

Shana D;*

Saturday.........

2005-04-06T02:17:03Z

I had fun it was crazy i got in trouble i think it was worth it......... i think...its not cool what people did thou.....i had to clean all this shit up and i had such a work out....i think i was cleaning for 3 hours....there was gum and drink and sratch marks all over and tags on the walls and spit on the floors and just crap everywhere and who had to clean it ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
well i hope people had a good time because i dont think im ever having a party ever again
Nighty night
Shana D;*

long time

2005-03-24T01:17:54Z

well i haven written in a long time.........
I did something i shouldn't have done....well that's what everyone thinks....I was glad i did it... it made me happy... it didnt make others happy... but those others make me unhappy all the time so i thought fri was their turn i guess... but now i am stuck with the anger and punishment......i can't do anything i thought i could and now i dont know if it was worth it.....was it?
I have been thinking and questioning my life and my choices lately... what do i want to do with my life....where you i want to take it acting... i dont know anymore... i have to find my motivation again.....i need help to dot that all the help i cant get. I dotn want anger i want help and good thoughts no one yelling or telling me my ideas are bad or wrong. I need all the love and support i can get....i dont care who you are you can always say i love you or just say a few good words to get me by to make the day go faster and be better, and i will always be happy to hear it. I need love to get me by in life....I dont get it at home, well at least not the love i want or need and it is not returned from me so its not helpful to me.......what i want is a hug and an i love you and to know that someone truly cares and will alwyas be there for me....i hope you will come through for me because I LOVE YOU A LOT and you are really important to me i hope you know who you are or if you even care i hope you do because it would mean a lot to me
well i love you and you all
Nighty night sweet dreams to the love of my life and my other loves
Shana D;*

ok good it's not in read only mode.....

2005-03-05T18:39:49Z

I haven't been able to write because of this stupid read only mode shit!!! It's soo annoying! I have been plannign for the big bash.....it is going to be hotttttt! Paris Hilton would approve!
Ok g2g bye
Shana D;*

I Don't Know Anymore

2005-03-02T03:33:28Z

I dont know what to do.........will we be together always....people ask me whats going on? why are doing this ...... what is in it for you....what are we doing.....whats our goal....do we have one...what do I want from you.....do u care as I do... there are so many questions. I was redaing comments today and it made me realize that I'm in love right now and shouldnt that be enough........but then there's hurt right, that's not good for me I'm told, and I know it but I want love so bad, I need it to stay alive. I just dont know what to do.....talking so good ....writing is good....being with friends is good... but I want to be held and kissed and loved. I am the biggest hopeless romantic you will ever find. i loved the movie Moulin Rouge because of the amazing love they have it, they really love each other equally and you can see it in their eyes, I want that SO BADLY!!!!!! I crave it. Lara and Mj say i should do something, I know I should, but what, I dont know what to do anymore, I'm stuck. So i wrote a letter but it got me no where except things off my chest, but it wasn't good enough. My stomach hurts from thing about things, and from hurting. I dont wanna talk about it right now, i cant anymore, any time i think about something that has happened even happy memory I feel like someone is punching me in the stomach. It hurts a lot, and it wont stop because everyone talks about it, it comes and finds me everywhere I go, I can't escape it. I guess that means I have to face it , but I'm scared, really scared. what if I do something wrong or it doesn't coem out the right way. What if I hurt someone back? I couldn't for that. But I feel like there is no way it can be avoided , someones going to get hurt.

Nighty, night(to those who will be sleeping, I for one will be not)
Shana D;*
Thank you Lara&Mj-I Love you guys

Wow its been long.......

2005-02-25T04:46:35Z

Well... I just got a new computer because my old one totally crashed and very things gone...yup. Life's the same.... friends today....not the next.. my mind is so all over the place.... the only thing it can be sure about is David.... what a great guy...man if i could just spend the rest of my days with him life would be perfect.. oh man what a party life would be.... maybe a little too much... no that i dont like parties i love 'em but i want to be something... i want to be an actress...not just an actress but a successful one.. nice house able to support myself and if i have a family them too... i want a happy life... full of love and perfectness(if that is even a word) I want perfect... yea i know im never going to get no matter how hard i try no matter what i do..... NOTHING is ever perfect. I'm not going to L.A anymore they found a another girl....yeah, someone who looked more like Mr.Quinn, whatever, i dont even care about that.... it's just i got all worked up about going to my friends who make me sooo happy...we had made plans about meeting and everything.... and i was going to go to Alix's school for a day and see her ....... oh i was so excited to see her! Oh well as they say EVERYTIME....>"THAT'S SHOW BUSINESS!" yea it SUCKSSSSSSSSS ASSSSSS!!!!
i dont know how i deal with it.... i guess i just push it down and suck it up, that's what you have to do, you are not allowed to have the rejection to have an effect on you it has build you up...... what happens when it so much.... what are you going to do then.....you will start to believe it.... you are not good enough......i have to lose weight my moms says... 20 pounds because the camera puts on 10 so it would like im only losing 10.... i guess its alright if i get more jobs.... i guess i dont know what to do with this anymore..... well i love david... nighty night from my new computer named Rocky
Shana D;*

The last few days

2005-02-09T04:25:05Z

Well, I don't know if I have words anymore for what happened the last few days. Maybe it was all my fault or maybe it was my moms fault, but it certainly wasnt david's fault! I came home and she had taken all my clothes out and put them into bags...... I never thought I would see such a exciting and sad sight at the same time in my house!!!
Yes it was exciting because I thought maybe just maybe this was it I could live on my own and it would be good like in my dreams. Then at the same time when she was screaming and me and calling me bitch and wench nd names like that it was kinda sad, not that I would miss this but the fact that she was doing it in the first place and was so angry the she packed my bags and wouldnt let me eat the food in the house!

Well, it didnt happen, nothing ever happens... or get done around here. Things are just said, terrible things, peoples feeling get hurt and we do nothing about it. I cant stand it but I'm going to have to for the next two years I hope I cane do it. I think I can with the help of my friends. David too, without him I dont now what Id do!

I Love David!!!

Shana D;*

today.......

2005-02-06T17:46:54Z

1)homework
2)shower and all that getting ready stuff(in my new clothes from H&M)
3) Mac for make up
4)laura
5)walk to show buy perfume
6)show:(
7)DAVID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ahhh I love you;* I hope I see him!!!!
8)More hw
9)bed
10)NOT watching the super bowl!!!!!!

Ahhhhh

2005-02-02T04:36:19Z

I already typed this whole entry and the computer kicked me off.... so I'll make this weet and simple.
I had a shity day:
1)I failed a class for the first time this year!
2) Ms.T LOST ALL the H.W. I worked so hard on almost the whole vacation!!
3)I have had it up to here with this F**KING show and susan the director!!!
I had such a bad day that when I got to rehearsal and after the line trough and dinner break, I broke down. I couldn't stop crying. I was shaking, I havent cried in a while so I guess that's why!
And when I got home i got the usual stuff from my parents" Shana get over it it will be over soon, its nothing!". AHHHHHHH!!!
But then I saw a conversation I had ha with David the other day and I was happy.
This is what it said:
Dlova156 [10:23 PM]: i cant believe you put up with me
KillEmWithAbrick [10:23 PM]: of course i put up w/ u
KillEmWithAbrick [10:23 PM]: i love you
How sweet?!! I love him soo much,he amkes me soo happy. It was out ten month aniversary on mon! Wow that's a long time!

He also had this:
Auto response from KillEmWithAbrick [11:13 PM]: shana, i fucking love you....everyone else can go fuck themselves
I thought that was funny.... I love you David!
Nighty night, everyone and anyone!
Shana D;*

Im sry

2005-01-31T06:32:11Z

Im sry.... i just needed to get that off my chest... im sry lara for taking so much time and david for being a bitch.
I didnt mean to make you feel bad... now i feel bad.
Well im being stupid and tired
Nighty night
Shana D;*

Today......ahhhhhh

2005-01-31T05:53:30Z

Well my day started with rehearsal at twelve...a.m.....and as usual it was reeeeeeeeeeeallllllllllllllyyyyyyyyyyyy long and stressful. It's really hard being pregnant. But...the day flew by, because i knew i was going to see Lara and Blaine later. I met them at the pizza place, after Lara went to the bathroom we left and walked Blaine to the bus. Then we went to Urban and Lara tried on some HOT jeans. But she didn't buy them. On our way home we passed the house we're going to buy, 125 E 10th st. It is beautiful, so we walked home talking about what we would do with it,and how it is going to be... you know life in 3 years no wait 2 oh man holy shit!
So we walked and talked and got home came only created a livejournal for lara and talked to david. That was amazing. I love him soo much,i cant even describe it. He makes me laugh like no other person(except maybe lara, but she makes me laugh in a different way). I know it sounds corny but he makes me happy when I'm sad or when I've been working real hard he helps me you know....losen up. I LOVE HIM!!!
So tonight Lara's sleeping ova and right now shes making eggs and im talking to this guy who I went to PS3 with, Bogi, wow what a blast from the past!!!
2morrow my day off, i will be with lara and david and matt. Im happy and I love time off, but i have a callback at 4 with jesse so its not really a full day off!
I hope its good i know it will be!
I love my friends, my boyfriend. God I sound so gross, and mushy!!!
well Im going to help Lara with washing the pan!
Nighty Night
I love you David!
Shana D;*
Ps. I changed my picture!!!

Im done!!!!!!!!

2005-01-28T16:27:18Z

Im DONE, believe or not , I'm DONE( to the tune of im shy from Once upon a mattress(the beginning is the only part i know))
I cant believe it , im done , all i have to do now is do the TFA essay!
Thats not very hard and a dont have to ahve it in until monday.
But now i have to go see ms.t oh boy am I in for it!
Shana D;*

I love it

2005-01-28T15:30:38Z

MY favorite one :
Which Spice Girl Are You?

Your Results:
Ginger Spice (Geri)
Hey, youre like ginger!!! youre cool and lots of fun to hang out with. youre the life of the party and you always be yourself no matter what!
Yay!!!!!
Shana D;*

Quiz

2005-01-28T15:15:02Z

Really funny and a little gross:

What kind of underwear are you?
Your Results:
Thong!
You are a cute, sexy girl. You know what you want and you like chilling out and having a good time.
=)
Shana D;*

another quiz

2005-01-28T15:08:29Z

i like this it is very me:

What does your birth month reveal about you?

Your Results:
April
Active and dynamic. Decisive and haste but tends to regret.Attractive and affectionate to oneself. Strong mentality. Loves attention. Diplomatic. Consoling, friendly and solves people's problems. Brave and fearless. Adventurous. Loving and caring. Suave and generous. Emotional. Aggressive. Hasty. Good memory. Moving Motivates oneself and others. Sickness usually of the head and chest. Sexy in a way that only their luver can see.

Tata
Shana D;*

quiz

2005-01-28T15:02:19Z

i thought this is funny:

What is ur hottest body part? (ladies only)
Your Results:
Ass
I know i got a nice ass, want it?

another quiz

2005-01-28T14:55:37Z

i know im not doing my work but i worked hard for this moments off:

What kind of eyes do you have?
Your Results:
Mysterous/Hidden
Your eyes are mysterour or hidden. You never like to go out and meet new people. You never trust anyone untill you have know them for years. you never talk to your parents about anything at all, and you neve tell your friends everything that you should. They say they care about you, but you think they just want something from you. Sooner or latter in life you know you will find that one true friend.
Shana D;*

Quizzes i love em

2005-01-28T14:49:32Z

i just took a quiz look @ this:
What piercing are you?

Your Results:
Lip
You're not one of the popular kids, but who cares? you like it that way. you would rather die than be part of their crowd. you may doubt yourself at times but you know you're cool!
I LIKe it , I like it a lot
Shana D;*

My new pic

2005-01-28T14:33:58Z

I like it its very me, it even has the #13 on it, my favorite number!!!!!
~Shana D;*

"Today is a SCHOOL DAY SHANA!"

2005-01-28T13:23:57Z

I went to bed at 1:30 am late for me especially when i have rehearsal the next day from 5pm to 10pm and have to come home and do more hw! Well my "mom" comes and wakes me up at 7am telling me its a school day for me and I have to get up and do the F**king work i havent done. She keeps saying: "I dont want to get another one of those phone calls, from Ms. T saying you're failing again! Shana I'm the whole who got the call, I did in the middle of my day at work" Yeah but i'm the one whose failing and you expect me to feel bad for you when you dont feel bad for me!

I really need to get away from here..... from this place which i should be calling my home right?
Definition of HOME:
Where one has lived for a long time or to which one feels attached?

Wow so I cant call this home can I? Nope.
Well i gotta do MORE hw and then go Ms. T's butt for giving me a break.
My mom told me to "bring her f**king flowers and kiss her ass and thank her that she such nice thing for you!" yeah made you be a b**ch to me the entire time i've had off.
As they say in the Great words(just kidding)of "RENT"
"I GOTTA GET OUTTA HERE"
well adios....until later days
~Shana D;*

Uhhhhh man

2005-01-28T04:26:32Z

Im sooo tired, i could explode. I just wanna have fun a little, live a little! Isnt that what a girl,a teen age girl should be doing on her break? No!!!!! Not me, oh no! im not allowed i have a sh*t load of work to do and 6 hour rehearsals on top of that and get everything to Ms.T by Fri..... Oh F**k that's 2morrow!!!! OH MY F**king GOD!!!! My eyes are going to fall out mf my head ..... i need sleep but my moms say i cane go to sleep unless i finish..... well you know what mom you are a F**kin SLAVE DRIVER!!!! She doesnt even know how hard it is at this rehearsal,she has no idea shes not there. How can she tell me its not hard work and im not tired and i shouldnt be tired,WTF. Excuse me????
Sry, im done i have to go work more now, IM NOT ALLOWED TO GO TO SLEEP!!!!!
~Shana D;*

My new journal

2005-01-27T19:36:47Z

Ahhh i have my own livejournal yay!!!!!
Funny sn right?? well i think it's funny!
I hope people will post comments.
And anybody with info about what to do and how to do things and anything else i might need to know about live journal is welcome to tell me!
Thanks
Shana D;*